VIEWING KIDS DIFFERENTLY

Nancy Samalin?s Valuable Advice For New Parents
What I Would Do Differently if I Were Starting Over as a Parent

Recently the mother of three adult children said to me, Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and raise my kids all over again. I think I?d be a much better parent.

Her comments started me thinking about what I would do differently to raise my two boys and how I could share the wisdom I?ve learned with parents who are just starting out.

Her are some changes I would make in the hope that new parents can benefit from these insights?

Catch yourself before you become too critical. When I was raising my children in the 1970s, my parenting style tended to be like that of a drill sergeant. More often than I like to admit, I nagged, berated, criticized and commanded?frequently in a loud, imperious voice. I hated the sound of my voice back then, since prior to becoming a parent I had thought of myself as a mild-mannered person.

My tone wasn?t driven by vindictiveness as much as by ignorance of parenting skills. I was often angry and frustrated because I couldn?t get my kids to listen up and cooperate. A typical exchange would go like this?

Me: Eric, watch out. You?ll spill the juice.
Eric: No, I won?t. (A minute later, he spills the juice.)
Me: What?s wrong with you? I told you it was going to spill. Why can?t you listen to me for a change?

I had to learn the hard way that constant nagging and criticizing only makes kids "mother-deaf," and barking orders makes them resentful and defiant rather than obedient.

Helpful: In order to encourage children to cooperate, parents must minimize criticism and remember to point out what children do right more often than what they do wrong.

I realize now that it doesn?t matter if the juice spills. Kids can learn from their mistakes?especially if we don?t attack those mistakes.

  Remind yourself to laugh more. Unfortunately, I saw parenting more as a job than as a pleasure?and it was a job for which I felt poorly qualified.

I was always on guard, fearful of making a mistake that would scar my kids for life. I gave too much weight to mundane decisions?from what they ate?to how they dressed?to how many minutes they spent brushing their teeth?to what time they went to bed.

I failed to realize how much of their childish behavior and silliness was perfectly normal.

Examples: When my kids refused to settle down at bedtime, I fretted about their inability to obey simple rules. And if a teacher expressed even the smallest concern about either of my sons? study habits, homework or behavior, I immediately projected a grim future of failure or unemployment for him.

Helpful: Today I realize how much easier life would have been for my sons and me if I had learned to lighten up. That didn?t mean giving up appropriate limits or necessary rules, but not everything had to be so deadly serious.

I admire the mother in my workshop who was able to use humor to respond to the incessant whining of her three-year-old by saying, I?m getting so furious with you that in one more minute my eyes are going to pop out of my head and roll down the street! Her child giggled and a crisis was averted. If only parents could be less earnest, child-rearing would be much more fun and rewarding.

  Don?t feel threatened by honest emotions. The first time one of my sons shouted, You?re the worst mother in the world, I was devastated.

Where did such ugly feelings come from? How could he speak that way to me? Was I really such a monster? Then I became angry too, shouting, How dare you talk to me like that after all I?ve done for you?

I have learned that expression of strong feelings is natural and healthy. Negative emotions aren?t inherently bad.

Helpful: I learned to understand the power and importance of acknowledging children?s feelings and giving them room to express them, even when it make us uncomfortable.

What a difference it would have made had I responded with empathy instead of fury to my son?s anger.

Example: When one of my children accused me of being a rotten mother because I wouldn?t let him stay outside and play, I might have said, I can see you?re really disappointed. I bet you wish you could trade me in for a new model.

Ignore your critics at the supermarket. When my children were young, I was flooded with advice, as if everyone else knew much more about raising children that I did. I was surrounded by innumerable critics?from the stranger in the supermarket who asked why I couldn?t keep my kids in line to my single adult friends who were dismayed by my children?s imperfect table manners.

Then, of course, I had parents and in-laws who often frowned upon my various approaches to discipline.

It never occurred to me that I could just ignore them.

Helpful: Looking back on those days, I wish I had been secure enough to recognize that I often knew better than others what was best for my children. I wish I had cared less about the remarks, stares and disapproval of strangers.

Parents are entitled to decide for themselves how to raise their children?ignoring the chorus of critical onlookers who only add to their guilt, anxiety and insecurity.

Accept your kids the way they are. I didn?t expect my sons to be so different from one another. I had assumed they would resemble each other and react in similar ways when I disciplined them.

I couldn?t have been more wrong. Eric, my first son, was cautious and slow to adapt to new situations. He tended to tune me out. Todd, my younger child, was bolder, more adventurous and quick to answer back.

There were many times over the years when I wished Eric would stand his ground and be more assertive, like his brother. And there were other times that I longed for Todd to be more easygoing and less confrontational?like Eric.

Rather than accepting and appreciating each of their personalities, I was constantly trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Not only did I expect them to be more alike, I also thought they would resemble me.

Helpful: Many parents struggle, as I did, with the fact that kids are so unpredictable. They may be entirely different from us. We have to work hard to remember where we end and they begin, so we aren?t always projecting our needs and longings onto them.

I understand today, more fully than I did when my sons were young, that our goal as parents is to love our children the way they are rather than the way we wish they would be.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Nancy Samalin, founder and director of Parent Guidance Workshops, 180 Riverside Dr., New Your 10024.

She is author of several books on parenting, most recently Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings (Bantam Boosk/$12.95).