The New Child Rearing
?and the fine line between overprotection and neglect

Many loving, busy parents today are convinced that they aren't spending enough time with their children.

Result: Exhausted parents-and particularly single parents-succumb to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when there's no reason for them to chastise themselves.

And children, newly accustomed to being the center of attention, have become overly dependent upon-and demanding of-their parents.

WHY GUILT HURTS

Parent's feelings of guilt don't help children-they destabilize the family. And parents who get too involved with their children's lives don't establish the distance necessary for the youngsters to grow and learn from their own mistakes-experiences that build self-esteem and help children become responsible adults.

Children need to fell secure so that they can go about fulfilling their potential. There are two cornerstones to a child's security-love and discipline.

The essence of discipline is the three Rs-rules, routines, and responsibilities. A parent's job is to establish and enforce the three Rs. The love comes naturally

THE NEW CHILD REARING

There are some simple child-rearing principles that parents should keep in mind throughout the years their children are growing up.

• Pay careful attention to your marriage-or yourself, if you're a single parent. Your marriage, if it is strong and satisfying, will give your children more security than any amount of attention. If you are single. Your sense of self-respect and fulfillment as a person can act as the same sort of anchor for children.
• Expect your children to obey you. Don't apologize for decisions you make. Children need strong, confident parents upon whom they can count to be authoritative, decisive and trustworthy.

You are in charge of the family. As long as your children live in your house, they don't have a right to make decisions for themselves?you allow them the privilege of making decisions.

And you always have the option of revoking that privilege if it is abused.

• Nurture your children's responsibility within this structure. Allow your children to make choices, and let them know that they must accept the outcomes. From an early age, expect them to make regular, tangible contribution to the family.

That means doing chores for which they don't get paid. And it means letting your children take responsibility for their own actions. Don't create the impression that it is perfectly acceptable to run after the bus every day-let your children cope with the consequences of being late or arriving at school without the permission slips they left on the kitchen table.

This approach may seem severe, but it is the only way children will learn to be responsible.

• Say no, and say it often. I call this a healthy dose of vitamin N. If the response is a tantrum, so be it. Exposure to frustration prepares children for the realities of adulthood and gives them a tolerance for frustration that eventually develops into perseverance-a key ingredient to every success story.

Your obligation is not to make your children happy but to give them the skills to pursue happiness on their own.

Important: Don't say no arbitrarily-rules must be consistent and the reasons for them explained.

• Where toys are concerned, less is more. Having too many toys destroys a young child's ability to make creative decisions. If a youngster has too many options, he/she becomes overwhelmed and can't decide which toy to play with. Then he says he's bored and has nothing to do.

A child with too man toys also misses out on the magic of making do, which exercises imagination, initiative, creativity, resourcefulness and self-reliance.

The best toys leave much to children's imaginations-they can be whatever the child wants to make of them.

An older child can earn the money for the toys he wants by doing extra chores?a teenager who wants a car should prove he can pay for it by getting a part-time job.

• Turn off the tube. Preschool children need to play so they can develop basic competency skills, learned by touching and exploring their environment. Nothing happens when a child sits passively in front of a television screen.

Children shouldn't be allowed to watch television until they have learned to read and enjoy books-usually between third and fifth grades.

By that age, watching a few TV programs that represent the world in a realistic way (nature specials, history-based movies, documentaries, sports and cultural events) can't hurt.

But you'll likely find that kids will enjoy reading as much as-if not more than-television, especially if you and your spouse read a lot at home.

• Don't be intimidated by the experts. Use suggestions and ideas that make sense to you and your family, but remember that all parents make mistakes now and then?and children aren't permanently scarred by them. Raise your children your way, and enjoy the results.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed John Rosemond, family psychologist and director of the Center for Affirmative Parenting in Gastonia, North Carolina. He is also editor of Affirmative Parenting (800-525-2778, six issues, $29.95) and author of Because I Said So! (Andrews & McMeel, $14.95). Bottom Line/Personal , Vol. 18 Num. 17, September 1, 1997