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arents have much more influence than they think over their children?s choice of friends. But in our attempt to protect our children, it is important to recognize that peer relationships are vital to children?s development. It?s the arena in which they learn to make decisions, to lead or follow, to become considerate and loyal and to recover from mistakes.

How to have a positive influence over your children?s choice of friends:

Deemphasize popularity. Many parents unwittingly push kids to make friends. They fret if their children aren?t invited to every birthday party. They are devastated whenever their kids are rejected by the ?in? crowd.

But when you push for more popularity, your children get the message there is something wrong with them.

Encourage quality over quantity. The number of friends your children have is less important than if they have one or two good friends. And if you emphasize popularity or being part of the clique, your children may become followers who go along blindly with the crowd.

If children are left out or picked on by their peer group, help them recognize that it is not necessarily their fault. Instead, reassure them that it is normal, though painful, to be ?in? one week and ?out? the next.

I?ve found that these popularity contests are more upsetting to parents than to kids. Most kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. Try to ride the waves of friendship fads, remembering that kids are fickle and peer groups are constantly in a state of flux.

Don?t interfere without good reason. Unless your children?s friends are leading them into potentially hazardous situations, resist meddling in their relationships.

If you suspect that risky behavior is involved, remind your children about your clear, firm rules.

Example: When my kids wanted to go along with peer pressure, a phrase we used was, ?Safety is a nonnegotiable issue in this family.?

Otherwise, allow children opportunities to negotiate their own issues and differences. Kids need time among themselves to learn how to develop their own rules, to share and take turns, to play fair and square, to recover from bruised egos.

Certainly there are times and places for adult supervision, but try to intervene selectively.

Listen to your child. The stronger children?s self-confidence, the better they?ll be able to resist negative influences of peers.

Help strengthen children?s egos by listening attentively when they?re having trouble with friends.

Don?t jump right in with ready-made solutions or criticism. Invite children to tell you what happened, before you overreact and listen. They?re not likely to open up if you go through the roof.

Example: Your son comes home in tears because his friends ridiculed him for backing out of a scheme to shoplift.

Don?t immediately yell, ?You?re not spending time with those kids ever again.? Instead, listen to his anguish about being ridiculed. Encourage him to talk about his feelings, and praise him for being strong and taking an unpopular stand.

You might say, ?I know that was tough. It took a lot of courage not to go along with the guys. I?m wondering, though, if these are kids you really enjoy being with.?

Try to determine whether your child is afraid of being left out. If that?s the problem, help build up his self-confidence by praising him when he shows independent thinking.

Encourage individuality. Keep in mind that you and your child have different tastes and opinions.

He may be attracted to people to whom you don?t relate at all, just as you and he probably don?t share the same tastes in food, music or movies.

Try to respect your children?s differences even when you don?t like the friends they keep.

Helpful: Encourage children to make choices and solve problems. Ask their opinions about people you meet, TV shows and articles and books you read together.

When your child mentions a new best friend, don?t grill him with lots of intrusive questions. Withhold your judgment. Even if you don?t like his choice of friends, don?t automatically denigrate him, especially without any evidence of harmful behavior.

Encourage children to stick up for themselves. Help your children practice this skill by allowing them to disagree with you in reasonable ways. That doesn?t mean tolerating sassy backtalk or outright defiance, but it does mean supporting their self-expression.

Example: When your daughter insists that she must have a pair of expensive sneakers because all her friends are wearing them, or when she begs you to let her stay out with peers past her curfew, give her a chance to express her reasons for asking.

You don?t have to agree, but show respect for her opinions. You might say, ?Well, I?m ready to listen. Try to convince me? or ?Let me hear your point of view.? Even if you disagree with her, you are giving her opportunities to think for herself and evaluate her options.

If you decide that your child should not stay out past her curfew or that you cannot afford to buy her those expensive sneakers, reassure her that she can still be part of the group. Point out that the other kids still invite her to play basketball in her old sneakers or that she?ll be able to go off with her friends on other excursions, even though she must be home by 9 pm on this particular night.

By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they can also use with their peers.

They will become more confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Nancy Samalin, founder and director of Parent Guidance Workshops, 180 Riverside Dr., New York 10024. She is author of several books on parenting. Her classic, Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works (Penguin), was recently updated and reissued after having sold more than 100,000 copies.