Sex Talk

How come blondes doesn't talk during sex?

Cuz, they're not suppose to talk to strangers.

Source: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 06:33:54 -0700

Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Source: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 14:43:14 -0700

Jigsaw Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Source: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 15:03:22 -0700

Ghostly Drive

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger shakily handed the ghostly figure a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly whispered. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Source: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 15:17:46 -0700

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Contributor: Cousin Lisa B., Fri, 10 Jun 2005 2005 09:54:21 -0700

The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

Contributor: Cousin Suzie B., Tue, 19 Jul 2005 16:54:50 -0700

Last Child Support Check

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I am so glad that this is my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments! I call my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she gets here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to your mama's house and tell her this is the last check she will ever get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression on your mama's face."

So my baby girl takes the check over to her mama. I am anxious to hear what she has to say and what she look like. My baby girl walks through the door, and I say, "Now what your mama say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy ... and watch the expression on your face."

Contributor: Cousin Lisa B., Fri, 8 Jul 2005 05:06:00 -0700

Financial Woes

Man to his wife: The bad news is that we owe $100,000 in college loans for the kids, a month's salary in back taxes, and our retirement fund is tanking.

Wife: What's the good news?

Husband: Our identity has been stolen.

~ Jim Borgman, The Cincinnati Explorer

Source: 12 Apr 2006 18:47:00 -0700