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Yet Another Too Funny (YATF)
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5 Stars | It makes me laugh out loud, every time I read it. |
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4 Stars | A snicker here and there. |
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3 Stars | A better joke than most with a twist |
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2 Stars | A better joke than most |
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1 Star | Average joke |
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Phew! | What is it doing here? |
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied, "But she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied, "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Source: 15 Oct 2002 17:30:38 -0700
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Source: 17 Dec 2004 14:41:18 -0800
A father and a son happen on the condom aisle at the grocery store.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
"Well," the dad replies, "you see that three-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night."
"What's the six-pack for then?" asks the youth.
"Well," the father answers, "that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday morning."
"What's the twelve-pack for then?"
"That's for when you're married," says dad. "You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
Source: 04 Jun 2001 10:33:12 -0700
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah," said the teacher.
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Gayle. Aunt Gayle was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Gayle when she's been drinking."
Source: 11 Jan 2003 14:55:00 -0800
A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the seven year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, OK?" OK. The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the four year old and asked, with a stern voice. "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
Source: 24 Mar 2003 12:38:18 -0800
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Source: 09 Aug 2001 21:05:32 -0700
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Contributor: Tony and Esther Missico, Sun, 27 Feb 2005 16:19:00 -0800
Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next."
Source: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 12:18:11 -0800
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Source: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 12:18:11 -0800
A good ol' boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing."
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house and your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."
Source: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 12:18:11 -0800
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