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Too Funnier
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5 Stars | It makes me laugh out loud, every time I read it. |
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4 Stars | A snicker here and there. |
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3 Stars | A better joke than most with a twist |
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2 Stars | A better joke than most |
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1 Star | Average joke |
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Phew! | What is it doing here? |
This blonde wakes up in the middle of the night to find her house on fire. Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams "My house is on fire, you've got to come put it out"
The fireman says, "Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?"
She replies, "Duh, in the big red truck!"
Source: 06 Aug 2001 16:21:00 -0700
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat three regular meals for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Source: 06 Aug 2001 16:21:00 -0700
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours. "The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves again.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Source: 06 Aug 2001 10:02:00 -0700
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey! This looks like yours!'"
Source: 06 Aug 2001 16:23:00 -0700
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last seven months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Source: 04 Jun 2001 10:31:00 -0700
Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Source: 15 Oct 2002 17:33:00 -0700
The mind of a five-year old is wonderful. One day I was reading the story of Chicken Little to my class.
I came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. I read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
I paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One of my little girls raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
Source: 15 Oct 2002 17:06:00 -0700
Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: Would she use my golf clubs?
Man: No, she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Argh!
Source: 15 Oct 2002 18:08:00 -0700
When his wife's snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth.
"Awk, glub!" choked his startled wife as she awoke. "What happened?"
"I gave you some aspirin, honey."
"Why?" she asked. "I don't have a headache."
"Great!" Harry said, triumphantly. "Let's fuck."
Source: 15 Oct 2002 17:48:00 -0700
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, read out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies. Was it heaven, or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
Source: 18 Sep 2002 07:54:28 -0700
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