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Too Funny, Over & Over Again
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5 Stars | It makes me laugh out loud, every time I read it. |
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4 Stars | A snicker here and there. |
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3 Stars | A better joke than most with a twist |
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2 Stars | A better joke than most |
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1 Star | Average joke |
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Phew! | What is it doing here? |
Jill walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No," Jill replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea?
Is she one of your children, too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fights 'em."
Two blondes approach the perfume counter. They pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and sniffs it.
"That's quite nice," she says. "Don't you think so, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a whiff. "That is nice," she says. "What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
"Viens a moi, ladies," the clerk intervenes helpfully, "is 'come to me' in French."
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again.
"That doesn't smell like cum to me," she opines. "Does that smell like cum to you?"
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He coaches the Buffalo Bills, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
Source: Lola Nakayama, Mon, 5 May 2003 11:07:00 -0700
A husband came across a study which he took triumphantly home to his wife.
"Look here," he said, "this study shows that men use about 15,000 words a day while women use 30,000. What do you think about that?"
The wife thought for a moment and said, "Well, I think that's because we have to say everything twice."
Looking perplexed, the husband said "What?"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Bitch! Leave me alone, I'm trying to take a crap!"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Dick and George are in a restaurant. George is looking over the menu.
To the waitress he says, "I want a quickie."
The waitress is stunned, but she decides to hold her tongue. "Be good boy, now," she says "and kindly give me your order, sir."
"I want a quickie," George says again.
Shocked and past caring who she's dealing with, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'll give you one last chance, mister. What do you want?"
Dick intervenes. "George," he says, "I think it's pronounced quiche."
Source: 04 Jun 2001 10:37:00 -0700
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