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Too Funny Yet Again (TFYA)
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5 Stars | It makes me laugh out loud, every time I read it. |
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4 Stars | A snicker here and there. |
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3 Stars | A better joke than most with a twist |
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2 Stars | A better joke than most |
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1 Star | Average joke |
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Phew! | What is it doing here? |
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," she announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of her hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
It turns setters into pointers.
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled in.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
This fellow is driving his brand new Rolls Royce somewhere back in the boondocks. He stops for breakfast at a small diner off the road. As he is being seated, the waitress asks him if that is his car outside? He answers "Yes, it's a new Rolls Royce. It's got power windows, door locks, mirrors, trunk release, and sun roof. It's also got an AM/FM stereo, with 12 speakers, CD player, and tape deck. It's got everything." The waitress is very impressed saying "Wow, I've never seen anything like that."
The guy orders breakfast and eats. When he gets the check he goes to register to pay. As he is reaching into his pocket for some change, he also pulls out some golf tees with the coins. The waitress asks him " what are those things?" He says, " That's where I put my balls while driving." She gasps and says "Jesus, Those Rolls Royce people think of everything."
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go for the farmer to help pull him out of the hole. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from certain death!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
The chicken did as he was told and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with- my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing.
Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and- she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length"
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:
Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."
Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"
There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"
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