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Too Funny
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5 Stars | It makes me laugh out loud, every time I read it. |
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4 Stars | A snicker here and there. |
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3 Stars | A better joke than most with a twist |
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2 Stars | A better joke than most |
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1 Star | Average joke |
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Phew! | What is it doing here? |
Fresh from my shower I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years" he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat, he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"
?
He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
A Kindergarten teacher had a student approach her and saying that he found a frog lying still on the playground.
The teacher asked, "Well, is it dead or alive?"
The student said, "I think it's dead."
The teacher asked, "How do you know?"
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear".
The teacher said "YOU WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
Two tourists were driving through Western New York. As they were approaching Cheektowaga, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde waitress; "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are?very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrr, Kiiiiiinnnnng."
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Cowboys fan, a Packers fan, a Dolphins fan and a Bills fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Cowboys fan proclaimed to the other four?"This is for the Dallas Cowboys!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Cowboys fan, the Packers fan jumped up and said?"This is for the Green Bay Packers!" and threw himself off the mountain, again, as a form of sacrifice.
Refusing to be outdone by the Cowboy and Packer fans, the Bills fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs? "This is for the Buffalo Bills!" and without any hesitation, pushed the Miami Dolphins fan off the mountain.
I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes.
Dear Sweetie,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "?honk if you love Jesus?" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is?and I didn't notice that the light had changed. Its a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "?sunny beach?" I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing?he was enjoying this religious experience too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and grinning, drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named "Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"
"Lard ass."
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"
At Frederick's of Hollywood, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $220," says the saleswoman, showing an item. "I want one that's more sheer", says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that."
"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies.
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
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