For your birthday,
I grew you a cat.
Nonsense
Too Funny... is a collection of humor that is just "too funny".
You're sitting at the breakfast table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
Mon, 6 Aug 2001 12:16:42 -0700
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
~ Willy Wonka
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
~ Steven Wright
Are you a DLL from Hell? Take the Which File Extension Are You quiz to find out which file extension most closely matches your personality.
I didn't know what to expect, but I think .exe fits me well. Especially, when you consider all 27 of the different file extensions.
Which Nigerian Spammer Are you? and Which OS [Operating System] Are You? looked interesting, but I didn't have the time.
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS".
Contributed by Wendi\
All I ask for is a girl who will treat me as good as she treats her dog: play with me every day, let me sleep with her, buy me new toys, and spoil me rotten.
Why is TGIF written in all shoes worn by blondes?
Toes Go In First.
Stupid Urbanite in Vehicle
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
Death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. Spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm."
The top ten sayings we'd like to see on those inspirational office posters.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count the F's in that sentence. Count them only once!
Click for the answer?
There are six F's in the sentence.
- A person of average intelligence finds three of them.
- If you spotted four, you're above average.
- If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
- If you caught six, you are a genius.
Here is the same text, with the F's highlighted for your review!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
At age 2, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, ...Having friends.
At age 16, ...Having a driver's license.
At age 20, ...Having sex.
At age 35, ...Having money.
At age 50, ...Having money.
At age 60, ...Having sex.
At age 70, ...Having a driver's license.
At age 75, ...Having friends.
At age 80, ...Not peeing in your pants!
Sometimes...when you cry...no one sees your tears...
Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...
Sometimes...when you are happy...no one sees your smile...
But fart just one time...
Contributed by Mike Campbell
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
- You're a Siamese twin.
- Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
- You're not.
- He has a date coming over tonight.
- You only have one ass.
- Feel better...
The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present
Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush!
Created: 28 Jul 1998 02:06:56 -0700
Changed: 09 Nov 2005 16:15:59 -0800
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