Thoughts For a Day

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

basic truisms [not]

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.
2. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
3. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
4. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
5. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?
6. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
7. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
8. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

basic truisms [not] again

1. If flying is so safe, why do they call an airport the terminal?
2. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"
3. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.
4. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
6. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
8. Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
9. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
10. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher; since it's in English, thank a soldier."