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CollectionsMore TidbitsDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Drink 'til he's cute, but stop before the wedding. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I'm happily married - but my wife isn't. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. I thought about being born again, but my mother refused. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, instead of screaming in terror like his passengers. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Robin Hood was a terrorist. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Shake well before and after use. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. One nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go. Things not to say to a police officerI can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! Are You Andy or Barney? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? I pay your salary! Gez, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. When the Officer says, "Son...your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gez, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" Only George Carlin would say these things...If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one? 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure? TidbitsDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Drink 'til he's cute, but stop before the wedding. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I'm happily married - but my wife isn't. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. I thought about being born again, but my mother refused. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, instead of screaming in terror like his passengers. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Robin Hood was a terrorist. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Shake well before and after use. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. One nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go. Points to PonderWhy does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it? What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane? If, while crossing the street, I am struck and killed by a beer truck, is that an alcohol-related accident? Will my insurance pay off? Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? Where are the germs that cause GOOD breath? If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing? Why is toilet paper scented? Why do they call them apartments when they are so close together? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? How do they know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? If fire fighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, then what do freedom fighters fight? Why do they have billboards that say, "If you can't read, call 1-800-TEACHME"? Things That Make You Go "Hmmmmmmm."Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? If 7-11?s are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving a car and looking for an address, you turn down the radio? Random FactsOn a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20 Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village" The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill Almonds are members of the peach family The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz Charlie Brown's father was a barber Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.) Ingrown toenails are hereditary In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actors' salaries. A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A." A cat has 32 muscles in each ear An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10 Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football game at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life" A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge A dime has 118 ridges around the edge The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts." The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. Alexander the Great was an epileptic The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Horses cannot vomit. Rabbits cannot vomit A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles The average person falls asleep in seven minutes The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living Dartboards are made out of horsehairs There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles The only planet without a ring is earth Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks A group of unicorns is called a blessing Only in America...
How ComeWhose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? The light went out, but where to? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money that already know you don't have? Why is it you only have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something NEW? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then what is the opposite of progress? Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Does war determine who's right, or who's left? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a M-O-U-S-E? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? Interesting FactsLos Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die; they need gravity to swallow. Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball. If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella. Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono. Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd." The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life" It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees) Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes. Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight. Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood. Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. A whale's penis is called a dork. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs-- it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Created: 26 Oct 2001 01:39:21 -0700
Changed: 04 Nov 2005 09:27:13 -0800 |
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